do not mistake that for this...
i am serene in the emptiness inside. The me. The ME me. Emptiness is neutral.
open my eyes and swirls of hints of dreams circle around, and I need a moment to look around to check where I'm at. Not uncommon to feel I'm somewhere else - a real somewhere else, not a dreamy somewhere... a robot taking measures and getting frames of the surroundings to compose a full picture.
then I feel like Sonic. When he rolls fast on himself to gather the extra speed... as a slingshot stretched to the max. I don't let it go nor I advance breaking through green hills. I just lie motionless and, at times, "forget" to breathe. I wonder how common that is. "Forgetting" to breathe.
it's when you exhale or inhale and your mind levitates both your thoughts and automatic and mechanic bodily processes and you realise "oh I'm out of breath!" and you take a long, long breath to compensate for the air that was completely still for longer than it should to the point of having Miss Survival knocking on your forehead?
it happens a lot when I write. Or draw. Or paint... well, at any given time, I suppose, I'm just more aware of it when I'm focused and distracted (which are not exclusive - you're distracted by the focus). I suddenly feel breathless. I need oxygen as if I need to swim to the surface quickly and it's such a relief. I wonder if it's the relief my body is looking for... maybe it upholds the process so I can have a moment of fake exhilaration/release? Keeping me on my toes and alert? Why would it do that, anyway? A release should be a positive one, or at least not one that makes you wonder if you're of sound mind....
right?
maybe not. Maybe I'm still dreaming.
the outside is looking particularly scary today... I don't like the colours I see from here. The shadows are different. Dark and hazy with a lot of bright reflexes... I don't like to look at myself and today it looks like me. Oppositional?
deterministic if not for the cognitive naturalism which I hold as truth. A real compatibilist, something I'd rather not know or think about, but if I let my fingers play around the keyboard as they wish so they'll end up revealing the truths, even the ones I don't care for.
find the shine in the haze and use it as marker. Sonic hasn't run yet and I don't want him to. Slowing it down.... let's go for a peaceful walk, shall we?
(PS - the inconsistency of people is driving me insane. I am terribly inconsistent - yes, we all can be. Fine. It's within us. But when there are rules to be followed and facts that cannot be bent, they easily input their waves in those rules-and-facts-that-can-not-be-overwritten. Wish me luck. In a few hours I will have to stand my ground a tad more severely than I like and I avoid needing to do that at all costs... but there's a cost if I don't do it)
