a title nonetheless
write here it tells me. Alright, will do.
in a fraction of what an hour can be - nothing but a quick blink - I had one of the more eye opening discussions of my life. And it happened from? Yes, accident, absolute stupidity even!…
and in talking to a stranger that is a quick witted and logical I didn’t even notice the words being thrown my way - about believing, about degrees of truth, reality as truth or a perceived (therefore different for everyone) set of senses. We went through it all, as I played with watercolour and unfocused my eyes for a somatic break. I can’t fool myself but I keep trying…
and after an hour part of yet another straight 10h marathon of focus I got up.
i had a burning hot shower - so hot you don’t know what kind of sensation you are feeling: the water feels like small jabs of a small knife on the skin, perhaps a very cold one. I haven’t figured out if it’s cold or hot - it leans towards an icy but fresh little set of flakes thrown against the skin? They don’t hurt, they are just indescribable. And I have a strong appetite for finding the words for what I can’t recount…
warm right now. Waiting for the warmer sun of tomorrow to dive in new endeavours.
… as I was pacing around forgetting what I am doing at all times, a terribly simple and clear concept came to mind, informed by an enlightening talk with someone who believes they will meet everyone they love again in an afterlife…
if I am to be completely honest with myself, I won’t be able to overcome any tics, fears, anxieties and existencial dread while I hope, every single fucking day, that someone I love will die.
it’s a bit strange that, in all these years, I hadn’t realised such a simple, clear view of what it is that makes me feel wrong at all moments.
how is anyone supposed to… be normal? You get it, to just live! Normally! - when every single day for too many years the thought of someone you love being a semi-human (I should get a proper name for this, even medicine has come up with awful words for it), rotting away without speaking or moving, standing completely still for so many years… makes you wish for their death to happen at any second?
i think of the Pendulum by Poe, for the compass and heartbeats with an ever-approaching end. It also brings to mind Eraserhead - not the plot or characters but the noise and (lack of) colour.
i’ve spoke to other people going through the same. I will just say that it is a global group with a dozen or so people. And I’ve seen and supported their despair. It’s unique, irrational, worse than any torture I’ve heard of (and it is an interesting subject to me so I can name a few brutal ones). And even in that group, where words and feelings are exchanged, their ones have come and gone… I’ve seen many coming for the first time during day 1, sometimes with pictures from the hospital bed. And while 2 or 3 years seem like a lot of time, they usually say their person has died with some relief, saying goodbye and thanking for our support at most within that timeframe. And what do I think? “You’re so fucking lucky…”.
and while it’s never in the forefront of my thoughts everyday, I know it’s running in the background. A feeling of incompletion, of a task that is yet to be finished. Yet I still wonder “am I weird?”. Absolutely not! I am doing amazing considering I wish death for someone I love for so long.
i’m giving myself some praise tonight. It’s not easy to talk about these things. Even the most understanding and compassionate people can only try to… imagine my pain let alone imagine my reality. My reality is completely twisted! I have a real zombie to care for!
maybe that’s the only appropriate name for people to understand… it’s being without living, existing without conscience. To a certain point… to be determined by more studies that I want to proceed with. And if the worst of news ever comes my way (“There’s a lot more awareness in the brain than we thought”) then I will say it right here - I won’t lose it but I will do the right thing even if most of the world considers it wrong.
that is love. Compassion.
and yeah - an easy way to explain why there is always a discomforting sadness that has been stuck for so long on me.
i deserve to live. they deserve to die. i love them and that is why I think this way.
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anyway… my neck will stretch back and hopefully crack in a couple of points and I will stretch my body in the most lustful and lazy way possible… after a nice drink and another round of a record.
then I will be warm. Until tomorrow’s sun - and the decision to face it or avoid it.
the moon is more peaceful, tranquil and soothing…
