digging too deep…
"i think nothing can surprise me anymore..." I say with a sigh and a shrug of my shoulders. And I mean it. I really don't think there's anything that can shake me up. And those who know me best agree and nod their heads - they know how my reality is a timeline filled with events that fit into the "1% chance of happening" - for the horribly wrong and the wonderfully good...
as soon as I get distracted enough with the things that matter less (you know, the ones that take up more time and energy?) and a good surprise happens I wonder "do I even know myself anymore?!" as a reality check of positive emotions hits my chest and makes the blood run towards the organs that guarantee survival. Just as I agree nothing can shake me anymore, I then (have to) agree that I'm spewing bullshit when I say that - by comparison, because they're both truthful at different moments.
both are true... even simultaneously - when the overstimulation of surprise and wonder, fear and anxiety decide to meet -> chaos! ... I find myself the happiest after such a ride. I carry fear and anxiety that are very inconvenient as they protect me from everything - even the good things. You can imagine how exhilarating it can be for my frail heart to feel kindness and love when they're strong enough to break through those obstacles that the bad surprises built.
i will not create a name to describe what this "THING" is. Maybe it's a THING. A life THING. The THING that has put you through the hardest shit any human may have to deal with, along with the easiest, most beautiful and joyous moments any human can only wish for.
maybe the THING is resilience? No. That comes with holding on... the THING is more of a challenge for the self. A challenge without rules ~ chaos has its own set of them, I guess. No need to add to it.
and what makes me smile during this (still wild) ride on the timeline of nothingness/life that is everything for me... are still the little details. The little surprises. A short sentence, a couple of words. A warm embrace, a nice taste, a sound that makes me get up and dance, a really cool outfit I styled, reminding me of the joy, beauty and care for anything I find aesthetically pleasing.
about the other surprises...
well, I'm trying to view them as my unconscious knocking on my brain to remind me I do have to follow some rules if I want to continue dancing, travelling, tasting, loving, caring, etc. Those are just as surprising, not as welcomed though... like a mother that knows best. No, scratch that. Like the ultimate truth-telling entity that ALWAYS knows best and you cannot refute because even if I tried, I'd just be even more miserable during those bedridden days, harder to not fight against the hands that cannot hold anything, not even a pen, I just remembered that I've lost my vision for a full week out of "nowhere" and I still had to maintain a certain air of... "I'm OK..." while doctors couldn't give me an answer for the why and how long it could last. That was hell, but I maintained my composure... because what can one do in such a situation, anyway?! I didn't even know who was in front of me when I cried in despair. If I knew it would only last for a week until it started slowly coming back, I would've used that chance to understand how people with such conditions navigate life and just perceive it from a totally different set of senses...
so in this steady pace of constant unbalance, I can believe both now.
i will be surprised. Always.
less affected by the bad surprises, but a lot more taken aback by the good ones. Doesn't this sound wonderful? I didn't get to choose - it was what it became. I'm thinking I got pretty lucky with the resulting reactions...
it was painful to remove the guilt away when I suddenly didn't fall after each hard KO hit me, the bad surprises. I saw myself as detached, emotionless, and probably even a "bad" person (which says a lot for someone that doesn't believe in good vs evil)!! But then I was too tired to figure it out and just... let it be. For long enough to realise that each hit and burn created more scars on top of scars to the point it's all scar tissue - which is a lot denser and rough, alleviating any sensation of pain... sounds better than I imagined.
the best of all is that the GOOD surprises get more emotional in nature, with childlike reactions in their pure, undiluted joy!
final results:
more immune to pain - only at an emotional level because it still hurts everywhere else but hey, at least I don't go blind anymore (knock on wood) - and less immune to joy and happiness... Overall, A+
aaaaaaaaand this is why I keep this website/blog/word refuge/digital corner going.
i just answered something my mind had apparently been wondering about in the background. Should I pat myself on the back? No... How do I let my unconscious know I'm thankful for what it's doing?
i've understood by now (but I forget most of the time...) that everything works out best when I let my fingers fly over the keyboard while my mind is at a conscious blank... And I find my own questions and answers through the lack of control, no editing, no rephrasing, no going back and arranging anything - just using the alphabet keys as a weird horoscope or tea leaf readings... but based in truth ;)
a meta part of it all that just came to mind:
i don't particularly agree with Freud's theories and practices and many of their consequences but!!!!!..... I cannot deny seeing a bit of the id/ego/superego here and in much more writing I've done - at the very least, there's a sequence to the rambling - starting with the id and straight to the superego where the real answers for the SELF are. Without the external factors of the ego - reality here is my own, a solo experience, a lonely one at that - that I'm so lucky I get to have.
i think it helps me understand recovery/therapeutic techniques and programs that focus on diminishing the ego's strength in favour of having raw needs and wants with the individual morals of a specific individual. I really never had a hard look or experience with such treatments, but I think my cynicism towards these has lowered 1 or 2 points...
truth be told is that no one should even venture into contact with other people or the outside world without the ego to support the reality of interpersonal relationships so I still believe that these techniques can be very dangerous and need a hard self-constraint that most people in need aren't able to have before strong results through direct contact between id-superego which can last too long. Just a thought, but something I care enough for that I write here to pick up and have a look later...
ego applies to the external only, the societal, so it makes perfect sense to focus on these other two to dig in further...
huh! What'ya know!
i haven't finished my morning coffee yet (it's too cold by now as well) and I have an interesting answer that is truthful and somewhat surprising (pun intended) in a positive way for the opposites of reaction towards the unexpected. I hope this is not a fever dream.
time to... go do other stuff. Life. "Daily life". Doing THINGS. Controlling ourselves as if we need to pretend we want to be the hamster to join the wheel... to "join in" on "life" - what is asked of us is that we turn into little quiet manic animals that kill each
