very busy bee

millions of ways to avoid “very” in correct english. Still, I love to use it. I imagine a face of dismay and fatigue, eyes rolling while saying out loud “veeeery…”. A dysphemism falls in the theatrical drama…

i enjoy the randomness. It fits the way I live. I usually wake to a reality that is half-mine - a song, a video, a page of a book that I did not choose but… was chosen by the not-yet-clarity that dawns when I notice the sun is high.

this is what I watched before opening the windows today - click!

it propelled me to do some/thing. Unaware of what it is yet. I’ll find it by the end of today…

the sun is quite inviting today… but I’ve been learning. I lose myself in learning, in soaking up information, the more fun and useless the better. I try my best to not fall into the chain of facts you can start down a hill but it’s VERY hard…

i’m a good girl. I’ve put some limits on it. “is this pertinent in my life?” - the answer is usually no. So I come back with another one “but I enjoy it”. My other self replies “which sounds an awful lot like procrastination…” - “how can knowledge be anything but positive?” - “if you are avoiding other priorities” - “here - see? I write them all, I know what I have to do” - “I know you do but do you always rush…” - “Hmmmm, ok. I get it.” - “really?! Finally?!” - “well, no - to be honest. I mean, I do but it I dislike it so a part of me can find enough arguments to fight it off…” - “why would you want to fight something that helps your life off?” - “because… I feel VERY joyous when I link those connections and points in the air… it’s basically invisible art, you know?” - “haha yyyyeaaaaahhhhhhh suuuuuuuuuuure….”.

i know my own tricks VERY well. And I know how to trick my tricks but I will never be able to pretend I don’t know the score… so I started imposing a VERY strict (not really, just a normal one I guess) guideline over my days and nights (minus the UGH days - those VERY random ones when my body decides to stop me from doing what I want).

you see, when you grow up fighting yourself, there is frustration unlike any other. A frustration with something you don’t deem… yourself. As if it’s a separate entity (it’s too strong for you to fully accept - I don’t try to do it anymore out of fear of turning a slave to all the pains and aches and overall freak… things I feel). It’s not just you. It’s always YOU + THIS. Or you WITH this.

i am afraid to fully embrace it. To use WITH instead of “and”. Not that it matters much but a simple word can redefine your whole relationship towards it. So… for now I’m “and”. And, VERY rarely, WITH (times of defeat and rest where I have to shake its hands and make a deal).

it’s been VERY good though. Suspiciously good…

at the VERY least, I was able to choose my focus and it worked. I am enthusiastic about learning more about what I can do and use in my work. Finally, a period of time in which my distraction is useful.

it’s a VERY big step (huge, but I wanted to use VERY) - it’s almost impossible in my condition to pick and choose what to do, what to focus on. I tricked myself into it.

it started with one too many cocktails and my thoughts running faster than I could process them. I ended up back at home after an afternoon at the beach tipsy enough to jump on techniques and pieces of equipment with a big learning curve without fear or avoidance. If I lower my anxiety levels enough I’ll be VERY open to doing what I usually avoid - my imposter syndrome is probably stronger than any other ailments I deal with.

i avoid doing what I know doing, I avoid doing what I love doing, I avoid doing what I know will keep stress at bay - to what purpose? Blame me and feel guilt. It’s a very catholic/religious kind of bullshit that is embedded in my culture and I want none of it.

in fact, I’ve been also entertaining the idea of getting-the-fuck-out.

but there is a beach here… and my own place… not much more but… BEACH! GOOD BEACH! How could I live without this escape?! How fortunate am I?

but still… the less I think about it (it would be the most inconvenient change in my life possible) the more I feed the idea of getting-the-fuck-out. If my world has to be seen through screens and phone, if good conversations and exchange of ideas happen through technology… is the beach really worth it? I’d love to be somewhere I like to walk about in.

i hate walking around here…

i feel VERY anxious about it. Doable. Two times a week for “normal job person”. 5 days a week for “my stuff” (which I will never call my job because job implies… schedules and rigidity and I don’t have that… it’s my living? Maybe I’ll stick with living. I’ll think about this one).

i am off to walk to my normal person job - that I’ve managed to reduce to 2 days a week (PM only). Work smart not harder as they say.

my body is in agreement with my mood today so that’s a VERY big plus. Everything is neat and clean around me. I feel at peace. Looking forward to come back and learn some more.

i haven’t felt this enthusiastic about learning for a long time (when it comes to useful things that I will act upon)… it’s VERY nice.

have a good one. Even if your body doesn’t agree, it will another day. x