welly well, well welly…
against all odds, I am still here. With some kicks thrown to the air, and some punches left for me - tender ones, to restart my heart.
I couldn’t possibly have the words or explain the concepts necessary to have a faint idea or speculation of what has been going on and around…
few things shockingly surprise me - it’s 2024… It is justified and needed - YET what I had missed on my learning phase so far, the one that will last forever until we start again, taking the shape of a star is…
I had NO idea of how the concept of boredom could result in such faint traces of real life. The nothingness that boredom brings along, in heavy shackles for them to stay put are horrifying days, nights, weeks, months.. and all possible measures of time
everything is twister - internal and external. The practical needs of considering and having chosen to stay alive seem unbearable to conquer. Yet… (yes, as absolute as this sounds the reverse is astonishing)
that same nothingness that empties your mind out of thoughts, your mouth out of words, your arms out of movement, your awakeness malfunctioning… is the one that allows dreams to blossom in what I see as red rose gardens.
I have SEEN it. Not just seen it seen it. I see what I created with the purpose to be seen.
(actually - if everyone can help me create an ilstration about this mind place that I have, hit me up. paid stuff - of course). x
it’s an island suspended in the sky. Floating above the sea. It looks as if a chuck of earth was taken out and managed to be suspended in… nothing.
on the island, there are trees, and nature, and birds, and forests. Those are on the back. The island is somewhat oval, you see?
on the “back” there is nature. There is comfort. There is humanity - biology and all the things we can’t escape from.
In the middle, there is a home. A beautiful home… without any luxury. Just a big, spacious home with a lot of glass windows. Almost all glass windows. And it is a round house. 360 view…
the forest turns into gravel when you approach the house, the ground is now turning from forest mayhem to gravel to really nice saturated green grass. The house is in the middle of this wonderland of green grass. Some flowers here and there… Oh! And, of course, for my safety and the one that I love, there is a barrier. A metal barrier - we cannot see it as it is hidden by nature but it’s there to not let anything fall to the ocean.
As soon as you walk in the direction of the house (which is placed in the exact middle of the two most distant points of the oval island), the green grass is not tall. WE (we!) don’t need any more fences. Because over there, it’s where we feel safe the most…
After you walk past the round house, through one of the sides, walking on pure and dewy fresh grass with flowers instead of fences… then the ground slowly changes again. Once the house is behind you, the grass slowly disappears, and white sand creeps in, in the middle of the little green spears. And then.. and this is the best part - then you walk forward and if you look ahead… there is THE beach. At the other end of the oval (vs forest). There is a beautiful beach that has a beautiful and almost constant sun (WE can choose to put it out or not).
The white sand is OURS. And suddenly, the waves start to crash. And there is no more fear. The forest, where the entrance to the island is, can be dangerous, fences are necessary. But as you walk in… you start feeling more and more at ease. The fences turn into sturdy big flower blossoms, and after that, there is no limit at all… when your feet touch the sand, you can see the infinity of the ocean. And OUR ocean too…
it’s OUR private island. The sea in there is turquoise and clear. With few waves, never too deep, perfect to kiss and hug, to relax and even sleep! And for some odd reason… as soon your feet walk in the sand, there are no more fences or protections. The sea is completely… free. Somehow, it doesn’t spill out or drip down. It’s suspended in the air, remember?
the sea is there but it knows it is for US. It is there because it knows WE NEED it. And we trust it blindly the same way WE love blindly.
this is where I’ve been as of late…
while, on the more practical side of things…
days were filled with worries, things to do, bureaucracy, and obeying societal expectations the best that I could but never truly succeeding… which used to be a problem - but it isn’t anymore. it was also a time to focus on the body. The mind shut me down so fast and so hard that I didn’t comprehend what was happening and I did try to push forward, to keep insisting… ohhhh how naive! I have honestly been taking care of my human vessel like I never did before. Feelings of guilt for not being “productive”? Absolutely - as always. Being able to pay no mind to them…? I did learn that. Which is the absolute KEY.
so, there’s a practical explanation of the real world that took me away from this virtual one - although I was very close to it, I just didn’t have any capacity to… be coherent in my thoughts let alone write or try to communicate.
there’s a certain kind of people I wish learned a big lesson: anyone that thinks that sadness, anger or negative emotions are in the best spot to … CREATE! “Use that sadness”… It is hard to deal with… it is a fake notion that is not (mostly) real. You need a certain… sniff of joie de vivre to be able to do something that you can feel proud of! Or at least… do just do something that falls in the category of “artwork”, “creation” or “creativity”. It’s a big world out there and we all can use our skills to touch new ways of being and expressing.
in any case… here I am. Ready for the next year already. Not only did I get BORED like I’ve never had felt before but also… I learned to live slowly - with so many mundane tasks to do, essentials of life for survival… my energy was depleted.
call it artists’ block or creative block - I call it “major life blog and you have to just deal with it”. So I did. The best way I could… and I think it’s… been working.
my vision is homing in on my dreams and wishes.
on OUR island and safety.
it will be beautiful.
thank you to everyone that stuck by my side and helped me IMMENSELY every single day to allow me to survive with (varying degrees) of hope.
not that I am a hopeful person at all, but creating small goals here and there, this and that day, are enough to keep me hopeful that I won’t seize to exist.
if I stay inside for a week… so be it. The concept of valuing ourselves through PRODUCTION is scary. It always was… and I cannot fit in it. I’ve tried. And it created awful, terrible situations…
i learned… finally - because I knew it but the guilt, the damned GUILT didn’t allow me to fully embrace this concept - that… it’s ok.
i am just as productive if I take time creating the best version of myself. The healthiest. The happiest. The strongest.
productivity is one of the most dangerous words when it comes to being used in the wrong way… it can strip you of your identity, your self-worth and value in this (absolutely crazy) society - so please, don’t fall in that trap.
never, ever push yourself too much.
and I know that everyone reading this will think “but I have to…” - which I understand. Start by realising YOU NEED to change how your life is going… does it really matter if you own a company if it is stressful even if it brings a lot more money? Or would you prefer the peacefulness of living in the middle of nature, working from home or from the smallest coffee shop you can only find using your bike…
it does need RADICAL change but I swear… when do you decide to be radical about it - the outcome will be tenfold every single effort you put in there. And resting will not ever feel like a guilty pleasure again, so you’ll have plenty of time to reflect on what you truly need VS what you (thought you) want(ed).
i spent this year throwing things into bags. One full room around here is filled with bags. Huge bags, “the biggest, better bags anyone could ever have” (sorry, allow me to slip one funny element of pop culture in here, just this once).
those bags… well, I still have to go through them as it happened impulsively. I’m rethinking - I know I don’t need MANY of those things. The majority in fact. But I am also aware of the other side of me - the side that will use this excuse to buy/obtain new items because “now it makes sense” - Helloooooo?!? It doesn’t!
I wish I had someone pointing their finger at me and booping my forehead everytime my own brain tries to trick me…
but I’m making peace with my brain. I have new lovely virtual friend who will help me create some art - say hi to Nova! - but never ever will I share anything AI generated. It is a great tool for inspiration but I could never use whatever it creates as my own. I know that, in the world of AI, the people that write the prompts are the “owners” of the “art” that is created.
but art is not that, for me at least. I need… pencil. Paper. Touch. Ink. A mess! That excitement of opening a new sketchbook followed by the dread of … “how can I start this in a way that won’t make me want to toss it away if I can’t fill the first page with the perfect content?”.
well… I will tell you - BE UNCOMFORTABLE. Splash around, lick the paper, glue some bits and bobs you have lying around - make a huge mess. Write some words that you’d use to define your life at the moment and make collages with them. Make THAT first page or that FIRST BLANK PAPER a place to try, to experiment, to just… allow yourself to not think!
also, a small tip for people like me, who are absolutely obsessed about their pencils and pens, etc (while I do suffer from OCD, I try my best not to use the term - I don’t want to contribute to yet another person thinking that doing this might be a sign of OCD… because it might very well not be. You can have traits, obsessions and not have the diagnosis - and I love you and want the best for you, whomever you are <3), what I do is:
organise my favourite pens by groups (all of them black), my favourite coloured pens, favourite coloured pencils (and inks, and pastels, etc - if you feel like it).
and instead of making a simple line and writing near it “pigma micron 0.5”, I draw the pen itself with that information in the barrel. It’s a wonderful first page or any first blank paper that you might feel scared of!
you get to have a cool guide for how each pen performs and the width of it’s line while you draw but aren’t really too focused on it to the point of perfectionism… if anything goes wrong, grab a washi tape of your favorite color and create an area where you can write a word you love. That’s it. Hide what you don’t want to see - don’t destroy it.
and that… is where I’ve been. And where I’m at.
completely lost and completely at peace - who would’ve thunk a year ago?! Not me for sure…
i am lost. Lonely. Awaiting patiently for the day when I can move to the island but… in all of this, I’ve made peace with the boredom. With the nothingness. With working “here and there” and only being able to be creative when those surges happen in a natural form.
have a great weekend you all…
stay safe and kind
x
