i shall enter key by key. Slowly. At the pace of any restart - one without stopping. Remembering to breathe and exhaling “automatically”

i had a dream that makes me wonder…

in it, I explained to a friend that the sun is a star that is burning in the sky. Waking up, I thought about it. Explosions and combustion happen suddenly, quickly, to be finished as soon as they start… wouldn’t the sun get smaller and smaller as it burns more and more matter? Why hasn’t the sun exploded by now? How crazy is it that it keeps burning for sooooo long? What is the maximum combustion time a human being has created? Has there been an incident in this world where something was on fire for a long time? Loads of them, of course but I want to know THE longest one. What was it?

basically… how can we create a fire within a finite space/from a finite source that burns for the longest? Is it a thing? Is there a place in the world with a flame that doesn’t go out without being fed combustible matter constantly? Where is it? Can I visit? Does it exist?

sometimes waking up is not a reset, it’s a moment for questions, for doubts, and child-like wonder at the natural world. In the dream I explained the Sun but I was left speechless when they asked back “But why doesn’t it burn all away in a shorter time”? Well, time is relative. In the universe the sun is probably a few seconds of a fire… no?

i walked to the window, waiting to see the Sun and I was greeted by dark clouds and tears from the clouds…

but I would see no clouds if it wasn’t for the Sun.

————

fear. I’ve decided it’s fear. Not a decision per se - more of an observation with acceptance of the fact of the matter.

why do we doubt? Why does anxiety creep through all my being as a permanent state? Where is my inner child “going for it”?

it’s called fear. And we gain it. We gain it every single day. When we avoid obstacles with our bodies, when we try to forget something that is hurtful (a paradox in itself), when our senses capture all information from all around us…

but kids have those senses as well. And still they’re fearless. I don’t speak of physical fear - of falling, of getting hurt, kids have that. I’m focused on the shame/guilt/fear that stops us, adults, from… just being.

just being.

with no apologies. With no hesitation. Without FEAR.

i recall the freedom I felt on roller skates when I was a kid - I would test those bearings by accelerating as much as I could, I loved to feel the wind on my face. One day the front pair of wheels came off during a high-speed course - I crashed. I was hurt, of course. But that didn’t stop me from doing it again, and again, and again. From spinning in the air. Going for it. To propel my body in the air while rotating.

now I protect myself head-to-toe, I fear any small bump, I can’t “walk on roller skates” like I did… the surface didn’t matter, I’d live in them.

where is that fear coming from?

society. Others. Anyone that is not me. Everyone around me. I don’t worry about getting hurt. I care about feeling in an environment that makes me unashamed to crash…

and that is always it. Other people. The eyes. The words. Their existence and persistence in judging.

i don’t want fear.

i don’t want to fear fear.

that is my next fight - against fear. I know all too well how much I’ve been stopped all my life for this stupid feeling that doesn’t even come FROM me… think about it.

fear comes from the outside. From others. It’s not YOUR fear. It’s an input you unconsciouly accept from external sources…

disconnect. Configure. Reconfigure. Restart.

Lose Fear. 2024 - I’m coming for you.