picture it

on the cross section - or the checkmark, who the hell even knows - they ask about the number.

household number.

and… and….. but but but but... and and and and…

and you went on to write it, jot it down, and it didn’t make sense, did it? Felt like a big ZERO, nonexistent, invalid, NA.
(just a second I need a tissue… alright - these are the ones with lavender smell, I’m proud of my past-self as they say)

thing is - you haven’t a clue. I haven’t a clue. We both don’t. We have NO fucking idea, do we?

why was it so right? Why were you there? Why did I even GO there? I don’t go anywhere, you know? But I did, and you did! And we both did and KAPOW!

then it was very, very fast, and it clicked. It really fucking clicked. “Family”. I thought it was such an overrated concept. I mean, I didn’t know better! It wasn’t even overrated, it was confusing, plain exotic - moronic even, I felt a deep sense of discomfort stemming from the word itself…

and then all of it went by and we saw things we made things we built things we moved things we moved ourselves we woke up we cried we laughed we fell down the stairs (I still have the picture from when you just gave up on the freaking stairs and stayed there, splashed, sipping from the mug that did not break or spill)…

and all of that? That was a whole half a century in a vacuum. A whole fucking life - right there, HAPPENING. Being. Existing. No - LIVING. Yeah! LIVING!

and when the sun came up and the heat became unbearable, I looked around and did not panic because, well… LIFE! US! so I wasn’t scared of summers anymore.

and now?

can I be honest? The sun makes me cry and want to cease to exist. The sun hurts, it damages, it controls and punishes, it weighs me so that I cannot seem to get up, no matter how hard I work myself out… it’s daunting again. Scary again. And I have no fucking idea how to escape the sun. I don’t. The light gets in from everywhere - I closed the door and there was still light coming in and there is no freaking way to be in pitch-dark anywhere around here!

i don’t want it. I don’t like it. But it’s not a preference - we all struggle with those - it is a pain that I WISH SO FUCKING BAD I DID NOT HAVE. I swear I never ever chose it. I would never do that - why would I?? Why would anyone??
it’s not a quirk… it’s being embalmed in wax and seeing reality from a different set of lenses for a few months. Like it used to be. Like it stopped to be (for what I thought would be forever… sweet innocence). Like it is now, again.

i want to twist and turn and release and be and move, but the sun is killing me and you’re not here.

what am I supposed to do now? Seriously - it’s not a rhetorical question. In my mind, you’re still right around the corner. Somewhere. Like every fucking person I’ve ever lost - they’re a moment away…

and I’m doing things and those things (great ones) are all thanks to you!! and I am! and and and and and…

i did. You saw me today. I did. I faced it. I didn’t need help - I went for it. I felt good. It was fine. My breathing didn’t become shallow, I kept strong, I didn’t walk like a maniac.

you saw it, right? You did - ah, you even took the picture, I remember now.

so you know!! The difference it makes! “Family”.

we bicker, we fight, we go silent, we shout, we laugh like our lives are dependent on the highest degree of pain in the stomach - we laugh so fucking much I wish everyone could live 1/1000 of that degree of fun… the world would be beautiful.

i did do them all… then I was alone and the sun was still very high and suddenly there was only my voice and then it became difficult and then… and then I closed the door. Yet it still kept creeping through.

because I hate it. I hate it so much. Not the sun - what it means, what it brings, what it changes in me. I’m not this kind of person - I know I’m not! How the hell am I supposed to deal with such self-awareness through so much pain?

i want to love it. I did love it. I did! Remember those windows? The huuuuuuuge gorgeous windows - it was all trees and only trees and I never loved the sun like I did there and then… and the storms! Oh wow, the tropical nights with lightning bolts - it was like being in the middle of a tornado, able to look around and see unbelievable sights…

i want to love the sun. I really do… but it’s so hard… it hurts so much… imagine every single atom in your body reacting to it as if death were looming - a hyper-existence of sorts. I cannot explain it. It’s like… being thirsty, I guess? Being very thirsty - middle-of-the-night-thirsty level. You’re very thirsty, but the only water available is mud… and you need it, you want it, but your body tells you “nope, this is not it”.

i want water.

and you help me love the sun. “Family”.

i get it now.

it’s not moronic and the movies were right.

NOW WHAT?