I fucking
miss you.
like a scream into the void.
yep. It didn’t take much for me to realise it, did it?
it was… a hello and an I want you at the first go. How strange. The world sees you too… so much!
and yes. I am extremely proud, and happy, I cheer for you, and I support you with every single atom of my being. I am well aware that everyone who shares your kindness and presence is having you, too. I am in awe of the beauty you bring. The togetherness you create. The birth and continued existence of such special moments for so many other human beings. It is selfless. How rare…
in a way… what you share shows a colour from your prism that I cannot see.
i have seen it. But I don’t remember it. How it went, how I saw, how I perceived.
i wonder if I will ever catch a glimpse of how the world sees you. What is the colour? Where does the light reflect and bounce? Is it as beautiful? What kind of beauty is it? A filtered one? A transparent one? Perhaps opaque yet very honest at the same time. After all, it all comes from the heart, doesn’t it?
that is what art is - again when it is honest. Which you are - to a fault, one I cannot censor (nor do I want to).
i’m very curious. To know what it is like to just applaud and say goodbye. To end it. To have a termination of beauty. To wonder, and wander around, feeling what you give, interpreting it. How strange…
yet, I wouldn’t change it for the world - that one I just mentioned. No amount of such shiny light, one I cannot reach for, can compare to the truth I see. Perception, truth - whichever (I have given up on this one, I wouldn’t have a proper existence if I tried to choose just one).
i like the colour and light I see. I also feel, I also touch, I also want, I also get (how lucky). When I allow myself to see my own bouncing light, I realise it matches yours. Shock. Always. Never seizes to be.
how… unexpected. Of us. Of the circumstances. Of existence in itself. How is it that we managed, without want or need (usually the birth of the happenings), to… have an encounter? How is it that I knew you as the one who applauded, who saw that specific angle you’ve always shared with “that world”, and then the whole perspective changed? I cannot remember how it was to just applaud. I am so very curious…
but the curiosity is nothing but that, in itself. Contained. A wonder, a fleeting moment (if a common one). We all wonder. Or so I want to believe. As I am sure we both do - of that I am sure. At least there is us. I carry it around with a glint in my eyes.
i much prefer the light I know.
it was not a plan - or a dream - to feel at home so far away. The heart is a warm place to be. Made of particles that are alive, hot, pulsing, giving… life itself I guess. Unlike a set of walls where we move our bodies around. Those only serve us physically. Trying to embed that protection with others - are we ever truly successful at it? Does a wall embrace us? Maybe, just maybe, the place where we lie every night. That one is where dreams happen - and dreams are revealing. Gosh, so revealing they scare me sometimes…
anyway, we can always pretend. That we didn’t dream, that the night was void of any thoughts. But even then, I am convinced that those have to happen before our brain goes away to another dimension of reality (because it is real, biologically speaking).
it is so very hard to pretend… it is not a natural skill. I wish it would come easier. How much warmer would that be? Even harder with you - I would refuse to pretend, even if I could. I wouldn’t see light if I played blind. And as much as I enjoy the dark, it is lonely. I sure tried to shut my eyes. But they opened up against my will when you were right next to me. I squinted. I frowned. I couldn’t. I can’t.
sometimes I still do try. Only because it can be confusing. You know? The fear and all of that. It is hard. The hesitation, the depth of that abyss we are looking at. Worse! The one where we stand!
all of the things I keep referring to, over and over and over and over and over again -… getting them out there (your way) soothes fear. I both push and pull. It can be exhausting but the reward that comes with it is sweet. Although, in this one fear, there is no doubt. I cannot choose the right words, ever. I throw them around aimlessly, trying to make sense of what cannot be explained - I will never learn, will I? Patience is a virtue they say, yet I worry that it can be depleted. Ha! I do not enjoy splashing those words around but they are a reflection of nervousness. Of those butterflies I’ve told you about from the very beginning. I struggle to find the right one, you know?
it is… aaarrrrghhhhh. Let me think about it - in the “feel” it way…
…
…
surprise…? I think I got it…?? Surprise… it must be the one! It is a shock to the system that I could only imagine would be the death of me. A massive jolt to my reality and own being. Magnetised from my path to yours.
(i’ve always despised the degree of gravity we suffer from on earth - it is so much better to float and wash away in salty water…)
—-
life is finite, time is my gold.
run. fall. throw yourself. If it is honest, it is beautiful. If we want it, there is a “something something” there. I am curious. It’ll either be the death of me or the life of me. So far it seems very much like a deep breath that feeds my blood… and I doubt it will ever kill me. The non-existent doubt is scary.
oh! Congratulations also. You deserve it. The applause. The beauty. I see and feel how hard it is. The effort. It is incredible… I could never do it. The admiration and respect I have for you are immense. They are part of the colour I see. To create such beauty that invades the particles of other humans is… uncommon. Others try it without honesty - and they are surprisingly successful at it - how sad.
(it feeds my sense of disconnection towards the others, at least there is that).
but your beauty? Undeniably truthful.
I cannot wait.
i must end this. All of the words. They are useless.
√
see you soon. Applaud you soon as well - always happy to do so. Even if the colours are different.
how lucky of me!
