how have I been?

fill up the entirety of my thoughts.

but I will, for once, be mindful of what I am writing… not in a rush and not anxious (for once!) - also allowing myself to drop the mask and be seen a bit more...

i’ve caved in to self-promo/marketing. I have a business card (haven’t had one for so long… it feels weird), my own work place, my clients, my… new everything.

i travelled for a few weeks - hoping to make some sense of my own existence away from what I know… and that did NOT go well. I ended up coming back sooner with a struggling heart and a dash of newly found hopelessness.

but I wasn’t alone… and that was a bit of my doing. I reached out. To strangers. To the ones I thought could understand - I caved in, I said. In all aspects of social media (which is something I fight to understand and fight to use… I see no good in them but I’m finally taking advantage of them in the healthiest way possible).

i found beautiful people that heard my cry of help in a city where everyone spoke a language I couldn’t understand. When I was feeling lost and confused, lonely and abandoned. And they came to me - a few people… a few that know what it feels like to NOT be ok… and if one wasn’t more than enough, I crossed paths with a few - how lucky am I?

i always find “my people” in the least expected ways - so far it has worked out… and continues to do so…

i got a real push to publish some of the writings I have in here - so I contacted someone.

i got a real push to share the sounds I create when I’m alone with my synths - so I contacted someone.

i got a real push to fight anxiety and depression and hit the pavement - so I contacted someone and now I have a new work place and a whole new work… which has been tremendously rewarding even if it has just recently started…

i love people and I hate them. That is one of my (many) dualities and… issues (ahem).

i think people in general are the worst. We don’t do the best for ourselves, we don’t do the best for others, we don’t do the best for anything. We strive for everything that is harmful, ugly, vain…

but people in their singular form are quite alright if you know where and how to look for them… and those few (yes, in my very own style of cynicism, I do believe they are very few - the ones that are “worth it” I mean) mean the world to me…

i’ve met and dealt with people that took away my hopelessness and morphed it into a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.

for months I struggled (a lot… hence not regularly posting here) for connection, for a sense of self - an identity crisis? Or a mid-life one too? Probably all of them combined.

it hasn’t gone away and there’s still a lot to do, a lot to work on, a lot to understand, a lot to learn… but it’s easier.

it’s a lot easier.

i can see colours as they are. My vision is not double anymore. My hands shake but I can use them to create beautiful things… my nightmares are ever present but I can shake them off quicker in the morning instead of dwelling on the verge of dream-reality, not knowing where I am or who am I for hours after opening my eyes.

i am… doing better, really. I found terrific help in professionals I trust and even more help in people I’d never met before.

self-care and recovery are holistic - don’t forget. They are made from people that studied long and hard about the ways our bodies and brains work and people who don’t have a clue about how to go about life - and those are “our people”, with whom we share our journey…

just to think that not that long ago I was ready to end my journey without a shadow of a doubt that nothing else would ever make me want to continue living… That is the insanity of being troubled. Of having issues. Of suffering from a twisted brain chemistry, in a body that doesn’t know how to spend a day without a random pain appearing.

we lose sight. we lose control. we lose hope. we lose ourselves… truly.

now, I see a long path ahead of me. Not without fear, not without hesitation but at least I see it. There was nothing there before and I didn’t believe there would ever be a path ahead again.

i’m not strong. I’m not resilient. People tell me I am these two all of the fucking time - and I do understand why from a rational point of view. But the truth is… I don’t want to live if it means having to be strong/resilient. I don’t want to have to be strong. I am tired… I am very very tired.

i want to be weak. I want to stay in bed when I can’t get up. I want to cry when I think of my personal memories that I’ll never life through again. I want to be cuddled and taken care of.

and far from me to ever want to be taken care of without taking care in return… in fact, that is exactly what I want.

partnerships. Human connections that go both ways. Balancing it all out giving love and receiving it too.

i have learned that I am nothing without love.

and love comes in many shapes and colours and it’s usually hidden away in the random chances you have when you try something different - and then they appear; the caring, the cuddles, the laughter, the joy and, most of all… the sharing.

i am no one without love.

i am no one without sharing.

i shall move ahead sharing love and loving to share.

it is not the most beautiful day outside - it’s rainy and dark - but inside… right here (pointing into my chest) it is wonderfully nice.

i don’t want to be happy. I just want to be at peace. Happiness is a moment, just like joy.

i want peace with moments of true joy.

and I’ve had them… and they saved me.

finally.

i can see true colours.

i love every single one of you on the other side who keep pushing me to “keep on keeping on”.

i will be here for you just as you’ve been for me… eternally grateful and feeling undeserving of such tenderness.

tout la tendresse pour toi - oui, toi…