goddamn

it never stops.

understanding. forgetting. trying again. “what does this serve me?” - it doesn’t.

now I am equipped! I know how to go on about it. People. The world. Things. Events. Happenings and life overall.
i consume - it’s knowledge, it will surely help! And I absorb. I study. I dive in.

i go outside. Real people. Cars. Colours. Sounds. Speech. Interaction. Colours again. Moving colours. There - which really means here. Flavours are not the worse… let me think - ears and eyes. All of the other ones are fine and intact.

”good afternoon” and my heart skips a beat. “oh! HELLO! GOOD AFTERNOON!” I scream. “Why the fuck did I do that? Won’t do it the next time around”.

customer service - they’re kind. They need to be. “Thank you for calling - have a nice day” - oh for fucks sake! Which day is it today?! Quick! Have a nice week? Weekend? Rest of the week? My mind races “WEEKEND!” - they reply, again, for something unnecessary they just heard, something that is probably annoying them “Oh, you too!” - “Thanks again” - “You’re welcome” - “Ok, have a good one” - “Likewise”

fuck again. Did I learn? No.

dive again. Interaction. How should it go. Self-control cannot be that hard!

meditate - “awareness”.

i was at the window. Observing the clouds moving, if they had any particular pattern of movement. “I feel my knuckles”. Awareness. “Why and how the fuck can I feel my knuckles?”. “Oh great, the knees too”.

awareness. Why and how (the two main ones racing in my brain) does anyone want awareness? Take it away, please. There is too much of it.

i lower my eyes from the sky. Colours. Speech. Movement. Sound. Stuff.

i say hello. Nice neighbour. Chit chat (exhausting). Oh, that’s not my neighbour, is it…? Fuck. They have the same fucking hat. Great, I just created a possible exchange leading to an encounter with a fucking stranger. But I swear - they look the exact same!

they have the same fucking hat.

it’s the hats. It’s the hats…