all gone!
she told me what I knew but a certain unpleasant side of me tends to erase all that I know to be true and keep what I learned with everyone who plays the game… and I don’t like the game. Keep it away!
and again, it is true. My friends have beautiful eyes - all across. That says something - about me, them, and both.
it is true, it is simple, it is not that easy, it feels natural. Being simple as a concept does not mean it is easy at all. That’s a certainty most tend to ignore for their selfish reasons (embedded in humans by now, cultural and socially required) - one of the big moves to win at the game. What for? I’m yet to know - I never saw any finish line, no celebration, no fanfare. Quite the opposite, in the end there’s sadness, a heavy weight that holds you still.
I have a soft spot for the simple and true, for what sits on the skin, the touchable, attainable, felt, obvious and not dubious - if it’s easy or not… that’s a different game and I’m not willing to play that one as well. It doesn’t really matter, does it? I have found, in a repeated pattern that sways me ever more to the unfiltered, that easy is more of a red flag than a welcoming one. I cannot pinpoint why or how, experience is an important teacher but it is my essence and my own free being within my chemical and electrical connections that solves more puzzles and cares for details and those… Hmmmm are contrary to the meaning of too many words.
no longer letting them confuse me or in any way move me from where I find myself at any moment.
easy… is dumb. There, I’ve said it. Easy is just… given, not deserved (not that I believe in any universal order that attributes fairness or what we deserve or not). Not fought for. Not… enchanting neither sensual.
it goes from 0 to 100, black and white, love or hate, to be or not to be.
and isn’t it boring that way? It’s the repetition of the postmodern, perhaps the postpostmodern/metamodern that I live in with reticence… there is much of “new” but repetition and patterns are comfortable. They feel trustworthy, known, familiar. They are pure lies, deceit and hurt - like an abusive and self-harming preset we accept with arms wide open just because they’re readily available!
there’s a reason they’re just… there, to be picked up at will, on “pay 2, buy 3” sale, making you want more and more until it destroys the truth of your being - inside, the real one, the one where strength is vulnerability and shyness is what brings people together.
for the longest time I didn’t think. well, I was not aware - more like it. The effort was almost the goal in itself, the pain was the baseline - jump on the board game from easy to easy, that’s the formula. Make it easy, find it easy, do it easy, so on.
and boredom took me away and away from myself. It was easy. And I felt nothing… I missed the cue. If it’s all indeed a game, there’s a treasure chest a few have found along the way to their own finish line - a clue, spelled by experiences and feelings, confusion and resolution. It’s held in secrecy by few - and how lucky I am to accidentally stumble on the ones who found the same clue!
it spells, in a neat and beautiful cursive style “Easy is not for you. Easy is not true. Easy is a lie. Easy doesn’t make you grow, or feel, or be true. It can feel as simple as a sum of 1+1 but it’s not easy to get there. Because 1 is the sum of .5, 3 times 1/3 which is a whole but 99% at the same time.”
and I woke up. And my truth came up. MY truth. Not the one informed by exogenous stimuli, just a bit swayed (it’s hard, with messages in all wavelengths around us at all times - imagine the pain, the pleasure, the beauty, the ugly of all feelings flowing in the air from every human being, their lives and experiences, their sorrows and joys - it. is. to. much. Turn it off!).
and it makes me smile.
it’s not easy… therefore it’s true… what a relief.
to you dear reader. to you people here and there so physically far from me who know exactly what I mean. I love you all. And you know it, that’s why you get it - it’s not easy. So… it’s time to celebrate! x
