a window to the world

they say.

it’s late night. They say the TV is a window to the world. That the world is all online. I can’t see it. I can’t feel it.

there’s nothing in nothingness - not even access to a window. Walls are closed-in, boxed-in, locking-in, pressing-in.

everything -in and nothing out at all.

music runs through the ears and nothing seems to go OUT. Only in. More in, becoming smaller and smaller and tiny.

the vastly different perceptions are extraordinarily present tonight - the sounds are more aggravating, the colours are duller, the sizes are… smaller, as if I am a giant or, vice-versa - that I’ve became tiny.

i don’t like this. It’s scary. Please stand there.

right there, where I know you’re at. Because being there is enough. It’s good enough. Be there. That’s all I ask. I don’t need much more. Be there. Don’t disappear. Don’t fade away - you promised you wouldn’t. I have it in your handwriting. “Our love won’t fade away”. In pink. Digital artwork. I have it to prove it to the world I’m not insane - that I know of, at least, one thing that I’m talking about.

because when walls are closing in on me, that will be the only thing I am sure of. In the midst of fear, terror and panic, that is a sure thing. That you exist. That you are there. Which kinda means here because a special place in me is all yours, forever. It’s yours because I gave it to you and you accepted it and have showed to take great care of it.

it’s all broken now, I’m sorry - you’ll have to be extra careful from now on. Please glue it back together. I’ll try my best to glue back the pieces I have, you try to make those more cohesive. If there’s no glue just put it in a zip-lock bag and carry it in your smallest pocket.

if one day you have open heart surgery ask them to pour the teeny tiny pieces of my heart into yours, so it can grow back with yours, get stronger, beat at the same rhythm, keep warm and safe.

because your heart has always been the best place to be.

fuck. I miss you.