deter/me//nation
it is a big fall into the unknown and irrational fear - that of the pre/omise that nothing I will communicate can ever be misconstrued.
i will never censure myself or look back and remember all time I wasted - the butterfly effect aka how everything is connected, energies, all that good stuff about nothing having a beginning or an end per se. All that ever was has created this very moment in time. And even the amazing ones coming in at any second! How beautiful can it be...
flowing naturally. Worries get smaller and smaller
are they still here? Of course. I just took a lot at them and the stack is higher than ever. Alas, Alice In Wonderland Syndrome was something I went through and now use in a lucid state of mind - I can feel teeny tiny or too big as if I occupied the whole room... all that was left from those nights, coming from the feverish mind of a child with fears and vivid and heightened awarenesses of all senses, is a peacefulness in knowing it is possible to zoom in and out of myself.
that the monsters are usually tiny and frail. That they're not even real - I was always sure of that. (aliens were real though - and were watching me for sure because if they were learning about humans they surely would be attentive to the people that give them credence, to monitor them. Their advanced technology was only a matter of time for humans - or so I believed when I thought that, as an adult, I'd live high in the sky like The Jetsons. I had seen in an encyclopaedia that the human brain has been growing since we were cavemen and would tend to enlarge the back portion of the skull. Add that all together with the fact we are tiny grains of sand in a universe so big we will never understand... of course, there's a chance! It was enough *reasonable* logic in there for me to be absolutely sure and be in awe of adults who didn't care for such serious stuff knowing if we met one of them we'd be looking at our future selves!).
high-five to the adults who cared to engage with me in these "serious" conversations and actually talked and did not make fun as I laid down all my evidence and logic to get to the point across. you're the kind of rare people that will do life right (if there's such a thing)
all over the place. here and there. there and somewhere. other future where's as well. But through it all... inside me.
yet, plans are always on the horizon.. to live peacefully I cannot foresee an empty planner. I will have to just go away. For no particular reason other than going away and having my resting heart rate at its healthiest level gives me enough pause to change everything for the better, constantly.
give me repetition but not all repetition - only the ones I can grow or gain peace from.
my priorities to myself are the most solid commitment.
there's only a way for anyone of us to live with passion. From someone that believes passion is a requirement for having a life vs existing through time... it's an effort that is unkindly hard to maintain yet it brings around 10000 times what it took. Never not worth it.
i got 2022's approval stamp of "finish line".
what do you do when you finish the line and you have this massive, infinite horizon available right in front?
