category: things forget to listen/watch/feel even though I *know* they are what I need to cure my soul

(synth wizard Rayna Russo improv opening for one of my favourite songs ever by wizard James Murphy)

"the worst is all the lovely weather - I'm stunned it's not raining
/
the coffee isn't even bitter - because... what's the difference?"

details the memory of a day of about 40C, clear blue sky, green freshly cut grass and a stunning sun when food lost all taste, nothing mattered or made any sense. the dichotomy of such a glorious, beautiful day felt so very wrong I felt alienated from reality, watching it like a movie unfolding, not thinking and just (barely) existing, craving for thunder, rain and cloudy skies...

the world stopped in less than a second and I could feel it in my body as if it took 5 minutes - going into shock feels like a horizontal sheet of ice descending through the body as if it's not solid anymore, as if something on the ground sucks who you are from it. from the top of my head to the feet and outwards on the ground. I was a lightning strike rod that conducted the coldest temperature a human can feel, a battery that was depleted, a full bottle turned upside down when filled, all of me melted and drained out through my shoes to the ground, splashing who I was on the cold tiles where I believe other people have felt the same way. in less than a second, that "me" disappeared

i looked around and they avoided eye contact. they were not single tears, more of a stream that got my t-shirt wet - which felt nice in those 40C.

"why are people walking around? smiling even? what is going on?!?! it doesn't make sense - am I crazy!!? don't they know? the world just ended!"

here I am now... many years later. afraid of the sun until the moment I let it hit my face and then the fear goes away. I love it now. I hated it for a long time... the sun made me miserable and my naturally bronzy tan-toned skin turned pale. the only constant was the undying love for the dark skies, rain and thunder. I guess we "only" lose who we were, not what we're supposed to be.