common-ication
"say hello to her (BE NICE!!! She's a VeRy CooL oLd(er) LaDy!) and put me on a video call with her and be all smiley and nice so you don't scare her with your black nail varnish…
... that ...brushy brush thing to brush things (you know, wooden on one side and awfully painful if you were to scratch it on the skin vs a normal... broomy broom because of hard shorter bristles to brushy brush better?)."
my communication skills at an all-time high...
i never quite knew what was wrong with how I communicate. Commonly misunderstood and lost in translation, not knowing why... resorting to TOO MANY words to explain something I could write in a sentence (oh, the fear of being taken the wrong way!)...
fortunately, I finally know why and... it was always so obvious that I saw a rainbow over me smiling and gasping "ahhhhh!!!".
i cannot do much about it as of yet and don't really know if there are ways to make it better but for now it's OK. I think. Happy to know the ones closest to me are also... abnormal-ish when it comes to self-expression .
but most days it's about having to be understood by all the others. And it's so puzzling to me... I find myself looking at people with my head a bit tilted as if I'm trying to make sense of them as humans. consciously thinking "my expression is probably not showing what I should be showing but I don't know what to do instead!" or "how can people just... be? Standing on a queue... where do you look at? Do you stay straight and face forward? Can you lean on things? I want to sit down... why does no one sit down? It's awful! How can they just exist so normally?"
my recovery (many of them for different things) in 2022 is the final stretch and at least I'm comfortable to say I'm not.
no more "hey! How are ya?" - "Fine, you?". I don't want to lie and, for me, that's a lie if untrue so it goes "How are ya?" - "Absolute shite but such is life at times - and you?". I get worried looks and that confuses me.
but most people are never honest, not even with themselves so that is NOT my problem.
it's been quite a deep and revealing process. Still amazes me how well I can "scan" other people but never did it to myself - in the right way that is...
