voicing out my reason for not being shouldn't be needed. Silence should do it - even better when it breaks a pattern.

patterns are not meant to be broken, they are there as guidelines. To be understood and make all this stuff (*pointing at the world in general*) make an imaginary sense that can calm one down.

pay attention. Or don't. I don't care - but if you wanted, you could perfectly make sense of the whole that is around you, not just the whole of you. Don't complain then. At least not to me!

the constant surprise of the "I thought they knew but it seems they forgot already" is a frustrating one. Can one love to be surprised and hate surprises? Yes, I say. It's the same as closing your eyes and letting yourself be engulfed by your worst fear (not death because you can't come back from it, something else) only to open your eyes and *maybe* find something really nice. Which is by no means the majority - I would say that for every 100 anxiety-driven paths there are... 2 that I feel I needed (just wasn't aware of such need). So... yeah. Bring them on. It's worthwhile. Like a videogame perhaps... for every 98 surprises you lose a life XP -98 but those 2 are worth 100 each, ending up with XP 102.

anything that's worth pursuing starts there, when you're almost-giving-up-but-trying-to-finish-before-collapsing just to show to yourself that you can. Right before your whole soul gets back to you, it attaches itself to something new and... surprise!!! It's the best one ever! I have a few best ones ever. They never stopped being my best ones ever and I've been blessed by the Butterfly Nebula (or so I like to tell myself) that has already sprinkled some newer ones in all the futures I might visit - I'm too curious not to let myself flow in the weightless cloud that feels like water.

but I have to be the one finding them... when other people try to surprise you they end up, most probably, screwing your routine or not getting it right, doing it without any warning like the loud ring at the door that just makes me react in auto-pilot and just go to shut it down, at the cost of growling after realising I wasn't fully clothed or that is was for a completely unnecessary effort. It would be nice to have a vibrating bracelet instead of a door bell. I'm way too easily scared. I jump at the things I do - open the tap water a bit too fast "AHHHHH!", I feel my arm touching something (usually a part of wherever I'm sitting on) "AHHHHH!", a friendly finger to warn me about something "AHHHHHH!".

so yes, I like surprises when I create the groundwork for them to freely (hmmm... between probability and possibility I've learned that my instinct is good enough to augment the probabilities, hence taking the task a lot easier) hence the dare... they're still surprising! Doesn't take anything away.

i hate them when I haven't laid my guidelines/blue prints for their possibility, let alone know their probability... in these cases, the biggest probability is that I'm going to pretend I'm ok with it enough to be kind-of-OK-with-it-or-at-least-convince-myself-of-that so I can at least be excited by the prospect of the next moment where I'll get to be in silence. Preferably holding warm hands since mine are pretty cold all the damn time.

anyhoo... yeah, uncontrolled keyboard-key-hitting vent. I wanted to see what would happen after listening to this sound over and over again and what my mind would "read" on it... I guess I was amused by the surprise of the sound - in it's mysterious existence (a dark small cascade of charcoal powder that hits the paper creating a cloud of "oh no...") followed by colourful bubble sounds (lichee flavoured bobas in a chill iced-tea).

surprise within a surprise.

an infinite kinder surprise, an edible matrioshka.

"CrrRAawwwKkkkkk ... BLooBlooooOOO!!" summarises the human experience pretty well.