i have to face it. Face it, hear it, see it, feel it, let it flow in and out of me. repeat until my brain stops throwing me back there and relive it... again... again... again...

the smell of freshly cut grass. the vivid greens. the light pinks. walking as if levitating (how could it seem so easy?) under 40C bright sun.

somewhat calm, inhaling cigarettes at unhealthy speeds along with too many energy drinks and snacks from vending machines as full meals. adrenaline in these situations makes you superhuman. i knew my world had changed forever but I was oblivious to the outside world - which had already been collapsing... never had noticed much until then - huh... [read more]

one absolutely perfect night (it did feel perfect... - don't ask me to explain why, given the context...). I walked for miles under the bright stars. it was hot enough to be very warm but not insufferable. I sat under a park grass sprinkler at 2am with a bag of groceries (aka chocolates, snacks, drinks).

water doing what it is supposed to do... free us.

suddenly everything was unimportant, vain, stupid, senseless. I fought internally and decided to just... try and give it a last chance. went back for a couple of nights... someone cooked dinner for me. someone hugged me. we did laugh. but it didn't make any sense... i couldn't do it so I went back.

suspended breathing at the stairs of the hospital. smoking and drinking. coming in and out of the big hall where I would ask if there were any news. it was past 3 am when I was informed it all went OK. I cried and danced on the outside stairs where you usually see sad faces. under the stars. for a moment, ALL my fears were gone and my head was absolutely free. nothing bothered. nothing mattered. nothing was out of it's place anymore... the moon was there to greet me in its beautiful roundness and for a second I thought the world came back together.

...

then it became dark and rainy. and one day in particular I saw it happen. I didn't say a word to anyone. I saw it. I was there. I was fucking there! helpless, confused, watching things no human should ever see - for their own sake.

i knew it. that night as I finished the chocolates still around that weird room I remember crying in silence. i knew the next day hell would be real. maybe i kept silent because if I didn't say it out loud it wouldn't be real...

i ran up many flights of stairs. the lift took way too long. i wanted to check if I had imagined it. and as I looked inside and the room was empty all the energy left my body in this freezing cold and painful slap of air. i let myself fall. someone held me, I still remember their face. i screamed a type of scream I didn't know my body could be able to produce...

and while these days are mostly silent... the scream sometimes finds a way back, out of nowhere, for some odd reason I can't pinpoint - a smell, a sight, a sensation... - and I let it happen. I close my eyes and let it be. again...

it's easier. which is a lot more than I ever imagined I could say back then. it's a LOT easier... but it still exists.

still existing is actually the whole problem. the puzzle, the disgraceful percentage that barely counts.

and that year nice music came out and I want to love it and hear it but it... smells like grass, pink flowers, bright stars and very round moons...

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