i used to read a lot about sociology and the gender roles (TL:DR i stopped. can't handle that shit no more other than the ocasional argument about it)

in these days, the cisgender system seems to be over for many people.

i praise them, welcome them in any way shape or form!

it began with some people going genderfluid and then pansexual and then this and then and then...

there are now SO MANY sexual and gender identities that soon it became impossible for me to handle the subject seriously and with an objective view - when your emotions say who you are, there's no possible way for creating a two way communication starting from the unknown subject...

the overflow and (sometimes) constant rise of new designations that mean the exact same thing as another word was baffling

there are a lot of words you can use to describe yourself.

and there are a lot of words people are demanding other people to use - specially for them.

this focus of issuing the identity (which many times isn't that clear at first sight... or not clear at all) in the right, appropriate word that the person has chosen... it seemed too much....

i lost it, i threw the books away!

as a lot of other things i kept saying in some heated arguments "No! i understand and i really respect people but my mind cannot guess which pronoun you like to be referred as! it's a matter of convenience - we have to respect that in order for things to function a little easier, any social cues must be regulated in the most simple and short way. we have to have a global view, some uniformity and simplicity of sorts. i don't mind when people talk trash about my options! i let them eat their cake because deep inside i know what's true!"

and oh fuck, how i deemed the whole idea of someone presenting themselves with 10 or more words was awful.

i mean, we live in a society, as long as there is some respect i think - well, thought - most people had the common sense of accepting something they might not appreciate but they got the respect they so desperately want.

where was i? ahh, yes.

i then was firmly rooted in the idea that the generalisation was and still is needed in order to live in a sane, simpler and probably most fun and carefree world

but then it happened

she was gone...

then she was gone...

now he's going to...

people disappeared out of my life forever and theeeeen i experienced a bit (ok, i might complain but not to much and only to those who feel the same) of that same hatred for that generalised simplicity that doesn't care about special cases nor individual paths...

tomorrow is mother's day.

and i almost lost my computer - to the wall.

the emails kept (still keep) hitting the inbox with the promise of a "great happy mom!" or "the chance to show your mom how much you love her"...

HAVE YOU NO COMPASSION FOR THOSE WHO ARE SUFFERING THEIR ABSENCE? 

see...? i did just the thing i used to complain about...

suddenly, i'm expecting companies, marketing in china and whatever and fucks to know MY PERSONAL issue and to carry on with it in their minds...

i don't want any generalisation when it comes to this - every email i got, i unsubscribed.

but then the third wave came around...

i don't have to hate it. i mean, i sometimes make people have the occasional awkward moment just a tiny bit for my own private and sick amusement.

a couple days ago i was shopping for some stuff for a girl whose birthday is always special.

i go to this particular shop regularly but it's usually small talk.

i'm with the cashier and she was providing me samples of new products and she reached for the cutest little bag with a great simple yet striking design (blue and pink) ....

she said with a smile on her face "this is for your mom, we truly have some great stuff for this year's mother's day!"

my response was deemed "rude" by some people but it meant nothing to me! - "oh, no worries - my mom is dying but my sister will love that". that's it. that's the truth. right? 

as she handed me the bag thingie i noticed she giggled... she didn't know what to say and she stepped back a bit and tried to look down....

and I SWEAR it wasn't on purpose! sometimes i just blurt things out like this - it's a fact, it's life....???

i had no reaction by saying that it was as if i was making the usual small talk but when i realized how upset and a bit red on the face she got i tried to steer the subject away as quickly as possible...

but shouldn't i be able to blurt things out? it's a fact.

"here, have this bracelet" - "no thanks, it doesn't fit my prosthetic arms"

i mean, these might sound some cringey ass remarks but... it's called... simplicity... and honesty... not having to think a bit more to say "the right thing for the situation at hand".

and yeah, i didn't like the fact i was reminded about mother's day but yet i would say it anyways.

i just don't see how people can't seem to handle a level up than small talk.

i'm not even going to dive in the "small talk vs big talk" subject but let's say there are about 10 levels between those two.

can't we just let go of the pretentiousness of our "pristine, perfect" lives and finally come around to realize everyone's got problems?

everyone with a good pair of brains (left and right side...) who is inserted, without consent (i didn't ask to be given birth to!) in this place at this time is surely going through some rough moments... things are reaaaaaally fucked. but that's funnier anyway.
everybody's messed up! those who are NOT messed up are just blissfully ignorant.

you can't just live in this world, now, today, as it is, and not feel your empathy crushed by the works of the social standings...

the distancing, the "mr" and "mrs" or "ms" (that's me)....

if there were ten levels between small talk and big talk couldn't we just step one or two?

i think people need to lighten the FUCK UP and stop pretending. because when EVERYONE IS PRETENDING then this ... this isn't real anymore.

and so, yeah. i got my sis a cute thingie, i made the poor girl blush and giggle nervously, and i realised that my conviction that the abstract or generalisation were just perfect enough for us human beings can be shaken - just not stirred...

because... i'm in pain, i'm vulnerable. yes i threw things at the wall for every email that came in with a fucking kodak moment between mother and daughter but... i will not expect anyone to adapt to my specific conditions.

because i won't do the same for other people. i won't because it would be complicating things too much. i will guess your gender by appearance - stop telling me it's wrong. they're called visual cues for fuck's sake!

"there are no gender, it's all a social construction" ahhhh,  fuck off and grow the fuck up or you'll be eaten alive by the time you get your first pubes

and yes - the same way i will keep listening to remarks about a relationship i lost but i won't lose my mind over it

i might just have a little fun with it... nothing more

nothing else

\

and no. it's not depression talking or a magic pill. it's just the things i kept to myself and then realised i don't have enough SPACE-TIME in me to carry this shit everyday so i'll post these fuckers right here, without ever hesitating and never, ever hitting backspace - i just edited it for this...

you should live like this. it's fun. it's painful. but it's real...

because there's no backspace in life - we should learn how to live without it everywhere